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Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Sean's Expected Earthly Arrival

November 30th didn't feel any different than November 29th. I'm not sure why I expected it to. I guess the anticipation of this day set me up to believe it would feel differently.

See, November 30th was the day that we expected to meet and hold our sweet baby we lost back in April.

We named him Sean.

Feel free to read more about our journey here and here.
We started off the day by taking our girls to the zoo. Here are some pictures of us hanging out!

I love my family!
These girls light up my life and keep me laughing all day

Roger took the day off, to which I was very thankful. We wanted the day to be a celebration.  Later that evening, Roger and I spent some time alone. We had Knotty Pine BBQ for dinner, which was fantastic! Later, we went to Garden Ridge.

I know.

      We sound really old.

Garden Ridge seems to be part of every date night, for some reason!  Anyone else love that place?!
Hmmm....Anyway, we actually went in with a mission this time. We wanted to find a stocking for Sean. Our mantle just didn't seem complete without a stocking for him.  We searched up and down the aisle trying to find the perfect one.  Finally, we found it.

I held it close to my heart and walked through the store with it over my shoulder.  About 15 minutes later, I went ahead and laid it down in the buggy.  I just wished it could be him I was snuggling instead.  

We also picked out an ornament for him.

After Garden Ridge, we went to Starbucks ...mmmm...can I get an Amen? While we sipped our coffee, we took a stroll through Kohl's. While we were there, we picked out the girls' Christmas dresses,  an Advent Gingerbread House(we've wanted one since Mckyla was born), and 3 little two-foot trees. A purple one for Mckyla, a pink one for Abby, and a silver one for Sean. Here is Mckyla with their trees. Abby was far too busy to take a picture.  Yes, much too busy.

And here is Sean's tree.  It sits at our fireplace and I love looking at it.

Though some may find it depressing to constantly be reminded of the loss, I find it incredibly healing.

Sean is my child. 

He may not live with me, but he will always be my child. His days were written in God's book before one of them came to be. Those days were all spent in my womb, and I am honored that I got to carry him...that God chose me to be his mommy.

So, where am I now?  Emotionally?  With my thoughts?
I am in a pretty good place. Since I lost Sean, I started going to M.E.N.D.(Mommies Enduring Neonatal Death) meetings. It is an incredible ministry.  We meet monthly and encourage one another through our losses. There are women there from all stages of loss. Some babies lived a couple of months, days, hours, minutes, some babies were stillborn, and some were lost as a result of miscarriage.  Notice, I classified the different types of loss? This does not happen at MEND. Can I tell you, I have never had my loss minimized by these women. In fact, it is a guideline that is read before each meeting.

How can that be?? As women, we compare everything, don't we?  But, I am so for real! The reason this group works is because..... no one makes anyone feel like their loss wasn't significant or important.  We are all mommies who lost our babies. Period.
Go check them out:

I have also begun to work on my self -talk. I struggle with extremely negative self-talk.  You know that mean-girl voice inside your head?  That one is really mean to me. A work in progress, is how I would describe myself.

Thank you to everyone who remembers Sean and acknowledges him as our child. His life is worth acknowledging!
I will leave you with this. I have had this Max Lucado daily calendar for about 5 or 6 years. It was a Christmas gift from my Grandma and Grandpa. I wept as I read it, shaking my head in complete awe of how creative God is. This is what it said on November 30th:

Here is what stood out to me, "Those who went unknown on earth will be known in Heaven.  The forgotten will be remembered. "

God is so good.