It's hard to believe that it has been six months since our sweet baby went to live in his eternal home. Wow...six months. Sometimes it feels just like yesterday. I can replay every single detail in my mind. I called my mom and niece to wish them a happy birthday. We had just bought a new tv, and Roger's dad was headed over to our house to help Roger mount it above our fireplace. I made pork tenderloin for dinner, complete with tabouli, hummus, and whole wheat pita pouches.
Isn't that strange that I remember what we had for dinner?
Just before Roger's dad, John, arrived, I discovered something very wrong. I had been feeling crummy all day, but was still hopeful. We knew this was a possibility. Still, nothing could have ever prepared me for the panic and despair I felt in that moment. I was bleeding....a lot. It was obvious something was wrong. I immediately called my doctor. The doctor on call was kind and told me that I was likely miscarrying, to call the office in the morning, and that she was very sorry that this was happening to me.
I went to bed that night knowing my baby no longer lived inside of the protection of my womb. I called my doctor first thing that morning. My friend, Stephanie, kept my girls for me while Roger and I went to the doctor. At this point, no one knew except John and Stephanie. I couldn't even tell my mom because it all happened on her birthday.
We got to the doctor and our worst fear was confirmed. There was no baby, only the sac he lived in. Our hearts sank. We left and started letting family and friends know what was going on. I picked up the girls from Steph's house and went home to start my new life without our baby being part of it. Little did I know just how much his life would still be intricately woven into ours. I went into what was going to be his nursery and just cried, knowing he would never sleep in that crib, or wake us up at night to be changed and nursed. It took a good long while before we named him. You see, it was too early to tell what gender our baby was. We felt from the beginning that it was a little boy. Maybe that was because we had 2 little girls already...who knows?! We finally decided to name him Sean.
Sean Isaac Howell
His name means, "God is gracious" and "He will laugh". I find this amazing because we picked out this boy name in case Mckyla or Abby were little boys. We just weren't sure if we wanted to choose a different name that was more fitting for how short his life was. But, you know, his name means something pretty significant. God was and is gracious for allowing Sean to be part of our lives, no matter how short his life was. I think about Abraham and Isaac in the Bible. Isaac was the promised son of Abraham and Sarah. They were very old and well past child-bearing years to our standard. When they found out Sarah was pregnant, she laughed because she thought her pregnancy window was closed! I probably would too! But, what is important about this part of the story is Abraham trusted God and dedicated his son Isaac to God's service. God provided a ram, and Abraham did not have to literally sacrifice Isaac. The most significant thing is that he dedicated his son's life to the Lord. We dedicated Sean's life to the Lord as soon as we found out I was pregnant with him. It is no accident that Isaac was in his name. We dedicate our lives to bring God glory.
Even when I see his name I long for him to just be in my arms. If he made it to my scheduled c-section date, he would be here on November 30th of this year. Crazy...in one month, I would be holding a healthy baby (boy) in my arms. But, God had different plans, and while I don't like this part of His plan, and while I wish I could hold him, I trust His plan. I can already see countless ways Sean's life has influenced other's lives. His days here counted and mattered.
I found this song today at my friend's blog. It is called, "Home", by Nicol Sponberg. It sums up my song for Baby Sean. Mommy will see you soon, sweet baby.
More videos on infant loss I love are...
Selah's, "I Will Carry You."
Watermark's, "Glory Baby"