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Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Abby Grace

Today, I celebrate Abby. She is my spunky and quite sassy 3 year old!  Here is a picture of her that captures her essence....
See what I mean?
 She was born on August 28, 2009. 3 years ago today!!  I was scheduled for a c-section the following Monday, but she decided she was ready early.  So, early and unexpected it was! I delivered a healthy baby girl...6 lbs 10oz, 19 inches long. I soaked her in.  Her newness was intoxicating.  
It's quite blurry... but....special, nonetheless

Sweet husband and sisters.  Abby is the small one. ;) Her big sister is Mckyla, only 15 months old at the time.


As I reflect on that day, many things come to mind.  I remember nursing her, cuddling her, getting to know her.  While I am extremely grateful for her precious life, and the life of my Mckyla Beth, I can't help but think....

What would it have been like to deliver baby #3 in November?

How can I not think about him on a day like today?   Reliving my daughter's birthday.  The memories are so vivid. At almost 4 months out, some have encouraged me, sometimes rather forcefully, to "move on".  I didn't imagine I would be thinking about baby #3 so much today.  

But...I was wrong.

I still think about him.  What would his weight have been?  How long would he be?  What color would his eyes be? His hair?  Would he have my fingers or Roger's toes? Would he respond to my voice, my touch?  Would Roger cry as he held his newest baby?

I am left wondering....

And that's ok for me to do that.  It's ok for me to long for the baby I never held in my arms. I will never be the same.  I will never think the same.  I am forever changed.  I will move forward, because he is in my future.  I get to see him again. It just may not be on the timeline some think it should be. 

For those of you praying for us, please don't cease!  We need it now more than ever.  

In the meantime, I choose to be incredibly grateful for what I do have.  I choose to allow God to continue healing me in His time.  I choose to celebrate Abby's life as I think about her birthday in a whole new way.   Thank you Father for loving me so much and for showing me how precious life is.